Thoughts on Feeling Overwhelmed

College has always been hard for me.  

Year three is no different.

If anything, it's become harder.

I'm at the point where I would say that it is brutal.

I switched my major. 

I am {finally} taking my last GE class.

(And in case you were wondering, it is ridiculously hard, even though it is actually incredibly interesting)

Actually, in case you were wondering, every class I am taking is ridiculously hard. And incredibly interesting.

PSA: Every class I'm taking has made me realize how LITTLE I know.

I've  found myself asking myself many questions...some of which include:

What did I DO in high school? 

aside from extra curricular activities...

What did I LEARN in high school?

aside from how to ignore annoying people...

How the heck does ANYONE know what anapestic tetrameter is? Or dactylic pentameter? Or common meter? 

[Common meter? I know what the 1600 meter is. That's pretty common, right?]

^That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. I know that meter's are really just sticks you use to measure things. Jokes again ^

And, in response to the terminology, why does it seem that EVERYONE ELSE DOES know what those terms mean? 

cause i dont...

How are some people ALWAYS so opinionated? 

i feel like my mind is empty...

And HOW do they have the courage to openly share those opinions?

i mean, they are interesting, but man, they're courageous...

Does no one else feel they are having a MAJOR heat flash when called upon in class?

because I do......

I used to think I was a somewhat talented writer.

And I enjoy writing.

And then I got my first writing assignment back from my professor, 

[who I swear is a genius]

 and, well, the grade was definitely not what I expected it to be. 

Nor what I wanted it to be.

Because BYU, unlike the rest of the schools I attended throughout my education, remembers that there is a letter between D and F....

Why do schools skip E? It's strange. But whatever. That's beside the point.

Needless to say, I walked out of the Richards Building today COMPLETELY overwhelmed.  Almost to the point of tears. 

okay...you can take out the almost...

Then I remembered this statement found in my syllabus:

maybe even for the class I just received a failing grade in...

"If you have ever, even in private, made a connection between your worth as a human and your grades, please, for the love of all that's holy, get OVER that.  Academic performance is not going to make or break your life."

yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say professor.  You're not trying to get a degree right now...I have to get the grades if I want to get the degree...and you think my writing sucks. Confidence boosted. Not.

Then, I remembered that I had read a very this for class the night before.

(beware: some colorful language used here)

Hello outstanding teacher. Thank you for restoring faith in my writing. And in the writing process. 

Duh I suck at writing.

 I'm 20 years old.  

I have many first drafts waiting to be destroyed by myself.

And many "final drafts" to be destroyed by professors.

But to heck with it. 

I LOVE writing.

I ENJOY writing. 

I may not be as good at writing as my friends who just graduated with a degree in English.

 Or my professor who is a grad student.  

Or my professor who has a PhD in English literature. 

My writing doesn't define me.

My grades don't define me.

Being overwhelmed is OKAY.

Not being able to share my thoughts in class is OKAY.

I am OKAY. 

And I WILL survive two more years of college.

(Did I really just say I am half way done with college..that's scary...)

And even if I did fail that paper, I didn't fail life.

I haven't failed the class. 

yet...anyone willing to tutor me in English 251 would be treated with extreme kindness, and lots of sweets.  You know you want to...

Life continues. 

And life is GOOD. 

And I am happy.

And even though I may be smiling to hide how completely overwhelmed I am, 

at least I'm still smiling.  

Make today a great day.

And if you can't seem to, 

smile anyway.

A {week} in the Life?

I feel like I go for weeks without posting....

oh wait, I do.

 

 

Sorry I'm MIA.  Life is CRAZY.

 

 

I've been working, and studying, and trying to feel like I'm doing the whole "college" thing right.  It's super stressful when you really think about it!  But I'm still loving it. 

 

I got called as ward choir director, and held the first choir practice.  There were about 20 people that showed! I was suuuper excited about that!  And, guys, they sounded amazing.  Like seriously, I HAD MAJOR CHILLS the ENTIRE time.  So amazing.

 

Here's a low down of the days of my week, just for fun.

 

Sunday's are GREAT.  We have 9:30 am church.  On the 1st and 3rd Sunday of the month, I have ward counsel at 8.  So stinking early!  But it's great.  I love being a part of it.  Then after church, I have choir practice.  (the timing of that one is still being figured out).  Then it's usually time for a nap, or dinner prep, depending on if it is my week for food or not.  We have a roomie dinner every week, and we usually have extra guests join us as well.  It's super fun, and I love getting to spend time with my roommates! Then we have ward prayer, and we usually end up staying up far to late doing a whole bunch of nothing.   

 

 

Monday's are my favorite, wanna know why? Because Monday's are P-Day's, and all my friends are on missions.  My inbox is FULL every Monday, and I feel so loved. :) Monday's are also great, because the testing center doesn't even open until 10, so I don't have to be there til 9:25 (normal days I have to be there at 7:40)  Oh I love the extra time to sleep.  Also, I get off work at 12, and don't have class til 2, and I only have one class on Monday.  Seriously, I SCORED big time there. 

 

Tuesday's are a little rough, but I really enjoy my classes.

 

Wednesday's, well, let me just say, I will NEVER be taking a class from 5-7:30 pm ever again.  I thought I would be okay, because senior year I had English at MCC from 7:10-9:50, and then last year I had Public Speaking from 4-6:30.  So 5-7:30 shouldn't be too bad, right?  WRONG.  It's soooo hard to stay awake and focused in that class.  But my professor is from Australia and so that makes it all better.

 

My Thursday's are exactly like my Tuesday's!  (THE ONLY REPEAT DAY)  Except, that Thursday nights I get to catch up on my Hulu watching. That may or may not be a highlight of my week.

 

Friday's are great. I have work from 7:40-12 and then I'm DONE for the day! I try to get homework done, but, lets be real, I've usually stayed up far too late the night before, and end up crashing on my computer/books/whatever I'm attempting to get done.  But I LOVE Friday's.  I really love Friday in the fall though.  I just love that happy feeling.  Agh! I JUST LOVE IT!

 

Saturday's are lazy days.  We (sometimes) do laundry, usually grocery shop, and laze around.  It's super great.

 

 

 

Then we have to throw in any sporting even that we feel like going to (which is usually the majority of them), and extra study sessions, reviews, etc.  And two of my roommates and I are doing Insanity the workout video.  We are on week 3 right now, and are doing so well!  I'm always SO exhausted, before, during, and after.  But I feel so much better when I'm working out and making sure that I'm not just gaining unnecessary weight.  It's super great.

 

 

Anyway, College life is stressful.  But college life is also fun and exciting and great.  I've learned so much academically, spiritually, and so much about myself the last few weeks.  Here's hoping (and praying) for a great rest of the semester!

 

#gocougs 

Tuesday Thoughts

 Well, this week is a slow one.  I feel like it should already be the weekend.  But tomorrow is HUMP DAY! FINALLY! 

 

Monday night we had our first FHE.  We had dinner at our stake high counselor's house, and at the table they decided we should play the game, "Name one interesting thing about yourself!" You know, that typical, get-to-know-each-other game.

Well when it came my turn, out of my mouth came

"I hate this game."

 

Anyone who reads my blog knows me, so I'm sure you can hear that in my voice.

It came out matter-of-factly, although I was really just meaning to think it.

 

Here's my problem with this game.

WHAT THE HECK IS INTERESTING ABOUT ME!?

 

In case you're interested, here's my thought process:

 

I'm short.

uh, duh. that's obvious.

I have red hair.

again, how obvious can you get? and that's not unique. lots of people have red hair.

Oh! I know! I have a big family!

honey, you go to BYU. Everyone and their dog has a big family.

Uh....what else is there?

 

Seriously. BYU is THE place to go from feeling like a unique individual, to feeling like a little Mormon minion.  {DO NOT TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY! I LOVE BYU, AND I LOVE BEING A MORMON, AND I AM IN NO WAY SAYING I THINK WE ARE A CULT, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!}  It's just, well, BYU is a school run by Mormon people, with Mormon values, and, well, a student body that is practically all Mormon.  Try and be an individual there! I dare you! 

 

Finally, out of my mouth came,

"I was adopted."

Yeah, real unique, I know. But you tell me what I should've said.

 

Anyway, so we got home, and for some reason I kept thinking about that game, and how UN-unique I was here.  How NORMAL if you would. 

 

It got me thinking of last year when I first came here.  And holy crap, I was in shock.  Let me just explain for those of you who aren't really understanding me.

 

BYU IS HUGE.

 

{DISCLAMER: THIS WILL BE A LONG RANT ABOUT MY LIFE. I DONT EXPECT YOU TO READ IT. BUT SKIP DOWN TO WHERE I SAY READ HERE AND READ.}

In order to get into BYU, you (for the most part) have to be one of the top students.

You have to have a certain GPA and a certain ACT score, and a well written essay or 2 or 3.

So, obviously, those who get into BYU are, "the best and the brightest" as they remind you.

But, like I said, EVERYONE who gets into BYU is "the best and the brightest".

In 2012 when I entered BYU, 12,705 people applied.

7,101 people were accepted.  That's a 55.9% acceptance rate.

The average unweighted GPA was a 3.81. (I don't remember what I had, but it wasn't that!)

The average ACT score was a 28.50 (I'm pretty sure I got a 25..)

The percentage of students who had achieved their Duty to God award/Young Women's Recognition was 84% (I did do that one!)

Sounding a little bit overwhelming?  Well lets add this in:

 

The first day of our freshman orientation, they decided to TELL us that we were just like everyone else.  That we were no longer the smartest of the smart.  That we had to fight to keep good grades.  Then they told us how many valedictorians we had in our class.  And how many senior class presidents, and how many student body presidents.  How many of this, and that, and this and that, and the lists went ON and ON and ON. 

 

And I shrunk in my seat.  Nothin' like a little "pep talk" telling you how much you suck.  Because, guess what? I was NONE of those things...and I was sitting here with these people who were ALL of these things.  These people who were talented.  Who were SMART, who were Mormon, who had good families.  And man, I was a nobody.  Right then and there.

 

Then I went to my ward on Sunday, and I swear, everyone in our ward had some huge obstacle in their lives that they had had to overcome--a parent or a sibling dying, having cancer, parents going through messy divorces, parents who were abusive, I mean, the list went on and on, and it made me sink even lower, because, in my mind, my life now seemed easy as making pre-made cookies. (like the ones you buy at Wal-Mart and take out of a package and put them on a plate)

 

Well, it kinda ate at me.  I began to fall into a bit of a pit.

I was depressed.  I didn't  like to talk to other people (I still don't love it haha)

I didn't like making new friends, because, they were just going to be better than me!

I felt like I needed to spend ALL my time studying--yet when I tried I realized that I have the attention span of a nat. (And yeah, I'm on blogger instead of doing my homework right now.)

And even after I studied, I BOMBED every single test that I took.  EVERY ONE. 

Lets just say that it was a bad semester--at best. 

I didn't want to come back, but I didn't want to stay home either. 

It was a huge decision.  One which caused MANY tears.

I decided to go back, with a lot of discussion between my parents and I.  A lot of promises, a lot of prayers, and a priesthood blessing.

During this whole situation, the mission age changed, making for even MORE of a reason that I wasn't measuring up to everyone else.

Mission calls were popping up everywhere.  Everyone was deciding to go.

Professors would ask at the beginning of each class who had a new mission call, and there was always at least one.  And I just sat silently.

I had prayed about it, and found my answer to be that a mission is not right for me.  Not now.  If it is in the future, I will know then.  But for now, I needed to stay. 

 

Anyway, this is a super long story of my life.  You are probably bored.  If you've read this far--props to you.  But here, I want to flash back to real time. 

 

READ HERE:

So, this thought was still sort of plaguing my mind this morning. 

I am an individual, yet here, I am not.

And so I went about my routine.

I went to class, and it was sunny outside.  I came out 50 minutes later, and it was dark and cloudy.  1 minute later, there were HUGE drops of rain. 20 seconds later, it turned into a heavier rain, 10 seconds after that it turned to hail.  30 more seconds passed before it decided to hail and pour rain at the same time.  This pouring rain and hail lasted for a good 3 minutes straight.  While I was attempting to walk to class.  It hurt.  A lot.

 

But I made it to my next class.  And I was FROZEN the entire time.  But I made it through.

Then I had an hour break til my next class.  I have a friend who has the same break, so we talk then, but I had made up my mind that I was going home, and skipping my last class.  {again, for those of you reading this, you know me.  I DON'T skip class. I've never missed a single class my entire college career so far.  And the only ones I missed before were because I was VERY ill, or at a running meet.}

But my friend came out of his class, and we chatted, and before I knew it, it was time for class to start.  So I went in.

 

Seriously guys, that was SATAN telling me to go home.  I don't like him at all.  And let me tell you what.  He LOST today.  I love when Satan looses. 

 

So, I got to class, (which, by the way, is my ALL TIME FAVORITE class I've EVER taken) and my professor puts up the topic on the board. 

"The Divine Nature of Each Individual"

Say whaaaaaaat?

Hello answer to prayers.

 

He started off talking. And guess what he started with? 

"You guys know how when you are in high school you are the top of the food chain, and then you get to BYU and you are NOTHING.  I mean, you are just like everyone else.  No one stands out!" 

Ummm....did you read my mind?  SERIOUSLY?!

 

So the lesson went on, and an hour and a 45 minutes has never gone by so fast.  Holy crap.

 

Let me share with you two quotes that I got written down.  I honestly wish I had recorded the whole lecture.  Because he broke down everything. 

The reason we feel the way we do.

Ways we can combat those feelings.

Ways that Satan works WITH those feelings.

Ways that we can overcome Satan.

 

'Comparisons' by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Every mortal has at least a casual if not intimate relationship with the sin of pride.  At its core, pride is a sin of comparison, for the thought it usually begins with 'Look how wonderful I am and what great things I have done' it always seems to end with 'Therefore, I am better than you.'" 

 

And one more;

 

'Becoming' by Robert Millet

"One who chooses Christ chooses to be changed...The Atonement [is] the means whereby our hearts might be cleansed and our souls transformed and prepared to dwell with Christ and our Eternal Father...The Atonement does more than fix the mistakes.  It does more than balance the scales.  It even does more than forgive our sins.  It rehabilitates, regenerates, renews, and transforms human nature.  Christ makes us better, worlds better, than we would have been had there been no Fall." 

 

He taught us that, like when we meet people who know our families in mortality and are compared to them in ways like "Oh! You have your mom's eyes!" or "We know where you got your singing voice from!", if we were to talk to those on the other side of the veil, they would start comparing our qualities to those of deity.  For example, "oh, the way you work with children!  That reminds me so much of how Christ talks and works with children." or "Oh, your musical talent/any talent--I know where you get that from!"

How cool is that?!  We are in the process of becoming Gods and Goddesses.

 

He taught us that the 5 threats to "perceptions" of Divine Worth are:

1. False notion of the origin of man

2. False notion of who God is

3. Confusing worldly worth for divine worth

4. Comparisons

5. Mistaking worthiness for worth

 

I promise I'll close this up soon--because, unlike my professor, I'm no scholar, and I don't have the most amazing way of putting all of this.  But, I want to share one little bit of thought on that last "perception" that he shared with us.

 

5. Mistaking worthiness for worth

 

He asked us this question.

"Who has more worth in God's eyes.  Joseph Smith, or the man who killed him?"

Now, that is not to say that the man who shot and killed Joseph Smith would have headed straight to the Celestial Kingdom to sit on the right hand of God right after he had committed murder.  No.  That, is his WORTHINESS.  But, because he is a son of God, he has JUST AS MUCH worth as Joseph Smith has.  He has JUST AS MUCH potential to become a God.  He has JUST AS MUCH potential to be perfected and become just like our Heavenly Father.  He has infinite worth.  Joseph Smith has infinite worth.  YOU have infinite worth.  I have infinite worth.  Our choices in life do not lesson the amount of worth that we hold.  They may, for a period of time diminish our worthiness, but, as we rely on Christ, and use his atonement in our lives to repent, and to be forgiven of our sins, our worthiness improves.  This is a process that is done every single day.  The atonement isn't just a "hey, I did all that I can do, now Christ will bridge that gap."  The atonement is a personal, an individual, a daily, a momentary, and, I might even say, that the atonement is a process that is in full swing every single second.  It not only removes our sins, and helps us become unspotted before the Lord.  It heals our weaknesses, our infirmities, our uncertainties.  It is here for each of us.  Individually.  To use.  All day.  Every day.

 

I know that the atonement is real.  I know that Christ died so that I can be perfected.  So that I can become who God wants me to become.  I know that Christ lives.  I know that I am an individual, no matter how "normal" and "un-individualistic" I feel at this ginormous university. 

I am thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  And I am thankful to be a student at this amazing university. 

 

I apologize for the length and preachy-ness of this.  If you made it to the end, I am very proud of you.  If not, I understand.  I just had to get these thoughts out. 

 

 And I really didn't want to read about Nutrients, Enzymes, and Metabolism.  

 

 



School

Well, I had a super long and super fun post all about my summer....

and then blogger decided to be a booger about it, and ruin it.

So frustrating.

 

 

But whatever.

 

I had a 4 month long summer.

 

And now, I'm back at school.

 

It's weird.

 

I like it.

 

Sometimes.

 

It's been a HUGE change.

 

I don't like change.

 

But I'm getting used to it.

 

 

BYU is kinda a dream.

 

The campus is GORGEOUS.

 

The people are nice.

 

The professors are BRILLIANT.

 

 

 

Classes are hard.

 

It's BYU.

 

Am I surprised?

 

Not one bit.

 

 

 

I miss my best friend more than words can describe.

 

Not having her here is stinky.

 

But we get to email once a week, and that's more than people could do even a year ago.

 

So I'm happy with that.

 

And she LOVES her mission.

 

And I love that she loves it.

 

 

 

I miss my family.

 

FaceTime is the GREATEST invention ever.  After the iPhone.

 

And, for all you haters who say that people forget about their families when they leave home,

 

I TALK TO MY MOTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY.

 

Even if nothing interesting has happened.

 

So take that.

 

 

 

I miss my old friends from freshman year.

 

They're all on missions besides a select few.

 

I love seeing those select few. 

 

It restores my faith in life. 

 

 

 

I'm making new friends.

 

It's a slow and interesting process.

 

It takes me A LONG time to feel comfortable and confident in situations.

 

This whole "new girl" thing is not so good for my soul.

 

But at the same time, it's probably exactly what I need.

 

 

 

I like my ward.

 

We're not to the LOVE stage yet, but we're getting there.

 

We had THE MOST AMAZING MEETINGS TODAY EVER.

 

Seriously.  I had the Goosebumps the entire time.

 

And it wasn't because I was cold--although I was that too.

 

 

You-tard is beautiful.

 

It has rained a lot lately.

 

I LOVE THE RAIN.

 

 

This post is super random and I promise I'll get into writing more coherently. 

 

But for now, I'm done chattin it up with Jedavin in the Philippines,

 

And I'm headed to bed so I can get up good and early and catch Han in Kentucky.

 

 

 

Life is good.

 

I know Heavenly Father loves me.

 

That he hears my prayers,

 

and that he answers them

 

 

 

 

Here's to a good year at BYU!  

 

 

 

 



Gettin' Real.

Okay. It's time to be real.

 

Blogger, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. You name it. Anything social media.

 

We are on them. A lot.

(In denial? Think you're the exception? Well guess what? You're reading a blog. Right now.)

 

We spend hours stalking other people's lives.

Dreaming of having them.

Planning ridiculously extravagant weddings, outfits, crafts, meals, and homes to live in.

All things that we'll never end up having.

(And by we, I mean, me...and I just hope I'm not the only one.)

 

Anyway, like I said, I'm a stalker.

I admit it.

And, I like to think that I'm pretty dang good at it.

Facebook stalking may, or may not be one of my favorite pastimes.

(you can ask Hanna and Sarah about that...)

 

Well. Stalking leads to something.

The same thing.

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

You'd think I'd learn?

Yeah, nope.

I guess I have a hard head.

 

You're probably wondering,

 "what is this crazy woman talking about?!"

Well, I'll let you in on my craziness.

It boils down to one word

One TEN LETTER word.

 

 

 

We are all guilty of it.

It is inevitable.

It starts at a young age.

Who is tallest?

Who is the skinniest?

Who is the most tan?

Who has the best nails?

Who has their hair done the cutest?

Who has the best clothes?

Cutest backpack?

Cutest folders?

 Best pencils?

(Maybe those last few are just me, but I always looked at the simple stupid things like folders and pencils. I come from a frugal family--the best kind. Sale items were, and still are, our favorite.)

 

As I've gotten older, the comparisons haven't changed too much.

But more have been added on.

 

Who has the best lap top?

The best phone?

The cutest phone case?

Who has the cutest room décor?

The cutest handwriting?

The most friends on FB, or followers on Blogger, Insta or Twitter?

Who cooks the best?

Eats the least?

Exercises the  most?

Has the best body?

Who sings the prettiest?

Who is the most popular?

Who does that super cute boy decide to sit next to in class?

(Never me. Usually it's by some other insanely attractive males.)

Who takes the best pictures?

The MOST pictures?

Who gets the most likes on their posts?

Whose posts does that super cute boy decide to like?

Who has the cutest boyfriend?

Who has the best love story?

The prettiest engagement ring?

 

The list goes on and on.

 

But here is the problem.

We are constantly comparing things that we see as our weaknesses,

 to things we see as others strengths. 

Things that we feel we lack,

to things we think others have.

Or vice-versa.

 

We view other people's lives as perfect, and our own as mediocre at best.
 

And the online world doesn't help us with that!

We see the best and brightest spots of everyone's lives.

I mean, who would find the ugliest picture they have of themselves, and post it?

Not me.

Who posts about their failed attempt at making a new craft, food, or decoration?

Not me.

In short:

Who posts about their weaknesses, shortcomings, or failures?

NOT ME.

 

And why not?

The answer is simple;

Because that is not what other people want to read.

And our society has become all about pleasing other people.

 

I'm not trying to say that everyone should post ugly pictures, and only about their failures.

Honestly, I'm one of the "other people" that wouldn't waste my time reading those.

I'm not trying to say we should stop stalking other people,

I know I won't stop anytime soon.

 

What I AM trying to say is that we have created a false sense of reality for ourselves.

We hold ourselves to a standard we have made for ourselves,

based on someone else's life.

We try and become someone we're not, so that we can be "accepted".

But, here's my question,

By who?

By that little old lady in China who comes across your blog, and will NEVER meet you?

(no offense to little old ladies in China.)

By the flock of other women who are also attempting to make their lives into something they're not?

By a man, who is almost positively not going to read your blog?

(shout out to any men who are actually reading this.)

 

Why does it matter how many friends/followers you have online?

Or how many of them like your post?

Why is technology SO important?

Why do we let those things boost or ruin our self-esteem?

 

I've been asking myself these questions lately.

And I don't have answers to all of them.

And I don't know how to make them NOT be of such great importance to me.

It is hard!

 

But let me share one thing I HAVE learned, just real quick:

There is no such thing as a perfect life!

 

From here on, I am on a journey.

A journey to stop searching for a perfect life.

A journey to stop comparing myself to others.

A journey to become comfortable and confident with the woman I am.

No matter who social media deems me to be.

And it is going to be a process.

Step by step.

One thing at a time.

But, I know I can do it.

And why? Because I know I have someone to help me every step of the way.

I KNOW that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.

And I KNOW that I was created by His hands, and in His image.

And I KNOW that He loves me, for who I am.

Even my red hair.

Even my millions (or billions, or trillions) of freckles.

Even my big thighs.

Even my lack of height.

Even all of those "blemishes" that bother me. 

And I KNOW that He wants me to be happy.

 With the person that I am,

and with the life that I have been blessed with.

 

My "journey" has begun.

Care to join me?

Today is a Gift

Today was a great day.

Why you may ask?

 

Nothing life changing happened.

I didn't get a million dollars.

I didn't meet the man of my dreams.

I didn't overcome the predicament of wanting to eat as much as I want,

and never gain weight.

 

 

In fact, today, I:

 

Sat in an office for 9 hours.

Answered phone calls.

Annoyed a lot of Hispanic people with my lack of ability to sprechen their language...woops.

Filed papers.

Wrote demands.

Sent faxes. And letters. And more faxes. And more letters.

Walked in the 110 degree heat.

Missed a conference call with one of my dear friends to hear her open her mission call.

 

BUT, today, I also:

 

Woke up.

Got out of bed, did my hair, put in my contacts, AND put on make-up.

{those last two things do not happen very often, in case you were wondering}

Got to go to work, in an air conditioned truck.

Ate a cookie at 9 am, just because I wanted to.

Ate another one, or two, or three......for the same reason.

Got to go out to Café Zupas with my dad, and a few other co-workers for lunch.

Got free lunch. :) Thanks Fabio.

Laughed.

Got an email from one of my favorite missionaries.

Responded to another missionary letter--in COMPLETE Spanish.

{Thank you Google Translate}

Pretended to understand español.

{fake it til you make it, right?}

Ate dinner with my parents, and little brother, and an awesome family friend, Lindsay.

Celebrated Flag Day by going around the neighborhood and collecting the flags.

Watched The Lion King with Parker man and Lindsay.

{And sang along, because, what is a Disney movie without singing along?}

Get to go to bed happy, and healthy, in a beautiful home.

{That I don't have to pay for! SCORE.}

 

So, although I am still figuring some things out;

and even though today wasn't life changing;

Today, I was blessed with another day to live.

Today, I was reminded of something that I repeated every single day,

 my senior year of High School

with that amazing man, Mr. Mike Baser.

"I am a MIRACLE, and I can do ANYTHING!"

 

It's a great day to be alive!

 

What are YOU thankful for today?

 



One Year

One year ago today I woke up to news that no one ever dreams of hearing.

JaKelle had passed away.

I laid in bed for the next 20 or so minutes, just thinking.  

Trying so hard to wrap my mind around what my parents had just said.

As I lay there, I began to become angry.

I was angry at everything, and everyone.

I was so frustrated that the Lord would take away such a loved girl, at such a young age.

I thought, 

What, were our prayers and fasting not enough?

Was our faith not strong enough?

 

 Were our fundraisers, and our showing of support not enough?

 

 

I mean, we had done everything.

And then, the reality of it hit, and I was just overwhelmingly sad.  But, just as quickly as I had become angry, and resentful towards my Heavenly Father, I felt His love come over me.  It was unlike any experience I had ever had. It felt as if I was being hugged.  All of my doubts, and my frustrations disappeared in that instant.  At that moment, I KNEW. I knew that JaKelle was with her Heavenly Father.  I knew that she was free from pain.  I knew that our fasting, our prayers, our support, our faith, everything we had done for her, had helped to prolong her life, and helped each of us to become more like her, and more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Now, I don't profess to be JaKelle's best friend, 

in fact, we hardly talked in high school, which I regret.

But anyone who has ever met JaKelle can agree with me when I say that she just had a way.  

A way of making everyone feel special.  

A way of making everyone feel wanted, and loved.  A way of making you feel as if you were the only one in the world who needed her help or attention at that point in time.  She just had a way.  I don't really know how else to explain it.

All that I have, are the memories of the good old days with Jakelle.

The days that we played dress up for hours.

The days that we swam for hours.

The days that we just spent hours together.

  

The days that we did Little Bunnies together.

  And those, those are the memories that I will cherish forever!

This year has been such an amazing learning experience for me. 

Each morning I wake up to this reminder from a beautiful angel:

 Every time that I look at it, it gives me that little boost that I need to make it.

If I have learned one thing from this year, it is, without a doubt, to make every moment count.

Time is constantly moving forward.  

We can't change or relive the past.

We can't make choices for other people.

Things don't always go the way that we planned.

You may try your hardest, and fail.

Sometimes, you lose. You lose friends. You lose family. 

But, there is always gain.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

 Christ atoned for each of us. 

He knows our pains. All of them.

He can heal us if we turn to Him, and have faith in Him.

There is a plan, and because of that, and the atonement,

 we will be able to see all of our loved ones again some day.

Some might argue, if He can heal everything, why didn't he heal JaKelle? 

I think that this quote says it beautifully.

" If healing does not come in mortal life, it will come thereafter.  Just as the gorgeous monarch butterfly emerges from a chrysalis, so will spirits emerge."

One year ago, Heaven gained a beautiful angel, and each of us gained a guardian angel.

She is missed. Every day. By so many people.

But today, we are all one year closer to getting to see her smiling face again.

I am thankful every day for the legacy that she left with each of us. 

And for the two, now famous words,

"Stay Strong"