Tuesday Thoughts

 Well, this week is a slow one.  I feel like it should already be the weekend.  But tomorrow is HUMP DAY! FINALLY! 

 

Monday night we had our first FHE.  We had dinner at our stake high counselor's house, and at the table they decided we should play the game, "Name one interesting thing about yourself!" You know, that typical, get-to-know-each-other game.

Well when it came my turn, out of my mouth came

"I hate this game."

 

Anyone who reads my blog knows me, so I'm sure you can hear that in my voice.

It came out matter-of-factly, although I was really just meaning to think it.

 

Here's my problem with this game.

WHAT THE HECK IS INTERESTING ABOUT ME!?

 

In case you're interested, here's my thought process:

 

I'm short.

uh, duh. that's obvious.

I have red hair.

again, how obvious can you get? and that's not unique. lots of people have red hair.

Oh! I know! I have a big family!

honey, you go to BYU. Everyone and their dog has a big family.

Uh....what else is there?

 

Seriously. BYU is THE place to go from feeling like a unique individual, to feeling like a little Mormon minion.  {DO NOT TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY! I LOVE BYU, AND I LOVE BEING A MORMON, AND I AM IN NO WAY SAYING I THINK WE ARE A CULT, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!}  It's just, well, BYU is a school run by Mormon people, with Mormon values, and, well, a student body that is practically all Mormon.  Try and be an individual there! I dare you! 

 

Finally, out of my mouth came,

"I was adopted."

Yeah, real unique, I know. But you tell me what I should've said.

 

Anyway, so we got home, and for some reason I kept thinking about that game, and how UN-unique I was here.  How NORMAL if you would. 

 

It got me thinking of last year when I first came here.  And holy crap, I was in shock.  Let me just explain for those of you who aren't really understanding me.

 

BYU IS HUGE.

 

{DISCLAMER: THIS WILL BE A LONG RANT ABOUT MY LIFE. I DONT EXPECT YOU TO READ IT. BUT SKIP DOWN TO WHERE I SAY READ HERE AND READ.}

In order to get into BYU, you (for the most part) have to be one of the top students.

You have to have a certain GPA and a certain ACT score, and a well written essay or 2 or 3.

So, obviously, those who get into BYU are, "the best and the brightest" as they remind you.

But, like I said, EVERYONE who gets into BYU is "the best and the brightest".

In 2012 when I entered BYU, 12,705 people applied.

7,101 people were accepted.  That's a 55.9% acceptance rate.

The average unweighted GPA was a 3.81. (I don't remember what I had, but it wasn't that!)

The average ACT score was a 28.50 (I'm pretty sure I got a 25..)

The percentage of students who had achieved their Duty to God award/Young Women's Recognition was 84% (I did do that one!)

Sounding a little bit overwhelming?  Well lets add this in:

 

The first day of our freshman orientation, they decided to TELL us that we were just like everyone else.  That we were no longer the smartest of the smart.  That we had to fight to keep good grades.  Then they told us how many valedictorians we had in our class.  And how many senior class presidents, and how many student body presidents.  How many of this, and that, and this and that, and the lists went ON and ON and ON. 

 

And I shrunk in my seat.  Nothin' like a little "pep talk" telling you how much you suck.  Because, guess what? I was NONE of those things...and I was sitting here with these people who were ALL of these things.  These people who were talented.  Who were SMART, who were Mormon, who had good families.  And man, I was a nobody.  Right then and there.

 

Then I went to my ward on Sunday, and I swear, everyone in our ward had some huge obstacle in their lives that they had had to overcome--a parent or a sibling dying, having cancer, parents going through messy divorces, parents who were abusive, I mean, the list went on and on, and it made me sink even lower, because, in my mind, my life now seemed easy as making pre-made cookies. (like the ones you buy at Wal-Mart and take out of a package and put them on a plate)

 

Well, it kinda ate at me.  I began to fall into a bit of a pit.

I was depressed.  I didn't  like to talk to other people (I still don't love it haha)

I didn't like making new friends, because, they were just going to be better than me!

I felt like I needed to spend ALL my time studying--yet when I tried I realized that I have the attention span of a nat. (And yeah, I'm on blogger instead of doing my homework right now.)

And even after I studied, I BOMBED every single test that I took.  EVERY ONE. 

Lets just say that it was a bad semester--at best. 

I didn't want to come back, but I didn't want to stay home either. 

It was a huge decision.  One which caused MANY tears.

I decided to go back, with a lot of discussion between my parents and I.  A lot of promises, a lot of prayers, and a priesthood blessing.

During this whole situation, the mission age changed, making for even MORE of a reason that I wasn't measuring up to everyone else.

Mission calls were popping up everywhere.  Everyone was deciding to go.

Professors would ask at the beginning of each class who had a new mission call, and there was always at least one.  And I just sat silently.

I had prayed about it, and found my answer to be that a mission is not right for me.  Not now.  If it is in the future, I will know then.  But for now, I needed to stay. 

 

Anyway, this is a super long story of my life.  You are probably bored.  If you've read this far--props to you.  But here, I want to flash back to real time. 

 

READ HERE:

So, this thought was still sort of plaguing my mind this morning. 

I am an individual, yet here, I am not.

And so I went about my routine.

I went to class, and it was sunny outside.  I came out 50 minutes later, and it was dark and cloudy.  1 minute later, there were HUGE drops of rain. 20 seconds later, it turned into a heavier rain, 10 seconds after that it turned to hail.  30 more seconds passed before it decided to hail and pour rain at the same time.  This pouring rain and hail lasted for a good 3 minutes straight.  While I was attempting to walk to class.  It hurt.  A lot.

 

But I made it to my next class.  And I was FROZEN the entire time.  But I made it through.

Then I had an hour break til my next class.  I have a friend who has the same break, so we talk then, but I had made up my mind that I was going home, and skipping my last class.  {again, for those of you reading this, you know me.  I DON'T skip class. I've never missed a single class my entire college career so far.  And the only ones I missed before were because I was VERY ill, or at a running meet.}

But my friend came out of his class, and we chatted, and before I knew it, it was time for class to start.  So I went in.

 

Seriously guys, that was SATAN telling me to go home.  I don't like him at all.  And let me tell you what.  He LOST today.  I love when Satan looses. 

 

So, I got to class, (which, by the way, is my ALL TIME FAVORITE class I've EVER taken) and my professor puts up the topic on the board. 

"The Divine Nature of Each Individual"

Say whaaaaaaat?

Hello answer to prayers.

 

He started off talking. And guess what he started with? 

"You guys know how when you are in high school you are the top of the food chain, and then you get to BYU and you are NOTHING.  I mean, you are just like everyone else.  No one stands out!" 

Ummm....did you read my mind?  SERIOUSLY?!

 

So the lesson went on, and an hour and a 45 minutes has never gone by so fast.  Holy crap.

 

Let me share with you two quotes that I got written down.  I honestly wish I had recorded the whole lecture.  Because he broke down everything. 

The reason we feel the way we do.

Ways we can combat those feelings.

Ways that Satan works WITH those feelings.

Ways that we can overcome Satan.

 

'Comparisons' by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Every mortal has at least a casual if not intimate relationship with the sin of pride.  At its core, pride is a sin of comparison, for the thought it usually begins with 'Look how wonderful I am and what great things I have done' it always seems to end with 'Therefore, I am better than you.'" 

 

And one more;

 

'Becoming' by Robert Millet

"One who chooses Christ chooses to be changed...The Atonement [is] the means whereby our hearts might be cleansed and our souls transformed and prepared to dwell with Christ and our Eternal Father...The Atonement does more than fix the mistakes.  It does more than balance the scales.  It even does more than forgive our sins.  It rehabilitates, regenerates, renews, and transforms human nature.  Christ makes us better, worlds better, than we would have been had there been no Fall." 

 

He taught us that, like when we meet people who know our families in mortality and are compared to them in ways like "Oh! You have your mom's eyes!" or "We know where you got your singing voice from!", if we were to talk to those on the other side of the veil, they would start comparing our qualities to those of deity.  For example, "oh, the way you work with children!  That reminds me so much of how Christ talks and works with children." or "Oh, your musical talent/any talent--I know where you get that from!"

How cool is that?!  We are in the process of becoming Gods and Goddesses.

 

He taught us that the 5 threats to "perceptions" of Divine Worth are:

1. False notion of the origin of man

2. False notion of who God is

3. Confusing worldly worth for divine worth

4. Comparisons

5. Mistaking worthiness for worth

 

I promise I'll close this up soon--because, unlike my professor, I'm no scholar, and I don't have the most amazing way of putting all of this.  But, I want to share one little bit of thought on that last "perception" that he shared with us.

 

5. Mistaking worthiness for worth

 

He asked us this question.

"Who has more worth in God's eyes.  Joseph Smith, or the man who killed him?"

Now, that is not to say that the man who shot and killed Joseph Smith would have headed straight to the Celestial Kingdom to sit on the right hand of God right after he had committed murder.  No.  That, is his WORTHINESS.  But, because he is a son of God, he has JUST AS MUCH worth as Joseph Smith has.  He has JUST AS MUCH potential to become a God.  He has JUST AS MUCH potential to be perfected and become just like our Heavenly Father.  He has infinite worth.  Joseph Smith has infinite worth.  YOU have infinite worth.  I have infinite worth.  Our choices in life do not lesson the amount of worth that we hold.  They may, for a period of time diminish our worthiness, but, as we rely on Christ, and use his atonement in our lives to repent, and to be forgiven of our sins, our worthiness improves.  This is a process that is done every single day.  The atonement isn't just a "hey, I did all that I can do, now Christ will bridge that gap."  The atonement is a personal, an individual, a daily, a momentary, and, I might even say, that the atonement is a process that is in full swing every single second.  It not only removes our sins, and helps us become unspotted before the Lord.  It heals our weaknesses, our infirmities, our uncertainties.  It is here for each of us.  Individually.  To use.  All day.  Every day.

 

I know that the atonement is real.  I know that Christ died so that I can be perfected.  So that I can become who God wants me to become.  I know that Christ lives.  I know that I am an individual, no matter how "normal" and "un-individualistic" I feel at this ginormous university. 

I am thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  And I am thankful to be a student at this amazing university. 

 

I apologize for the length and preachy-ness of this.  If you made it to the end, I am very proud of you.  If not, I understand.  I just had to get these thoughts out. 

 

 And I really didn't want to read about Nutrients, Enzymes, and Metabolism.