Thoughts on Feeling Overwhelmed

College has always been hard for me.  

Year three is no different.

If anything, it's become harder.

I'm at the point where I would say that it is brutal.

I switched my major. 

I am {finally} taking my last GE class.

(And in case you were wondering, it is ridiculously hard, even though it is actually incredibly interesting)

Actually, in case you were wondering, every class I am taking is ridiculously hard. And incredibly interesting.

PSA: Every class I'm taking has made me realize how LITTLE I know.

I've  found myself asking myself many questions...some of which include:

What did I DO in high school? 

aside from extra curricular activities...

What did I LEARN in high school?

aside from how to ignore annoying people...

How the heck does ANYONE know what anapestic tetrameter is? Or dactylic pentameter? Or common meter? 

[Common meter? I know what the 1600 meter is. That's pretty common, right?]

^That was a joke, in case you couldn't tell. I know that meter's are really just sticks you use to measure things. Jokes again ^

And, in response to the terminology, why does it seem that EVERYONE ELSE DOES know what those terms mean? 

cause i dont...

How are some people ALWAYS so opinionated? 

i feel like my mind is empty...

And HOW do they have the courage to openly share those opinions?

i mean, they are interesting, but man, they're courageous...

Does no one else feel they are having a MAJOR heat flash when called upon in class?

because I do......

I used to think I was a somewhat talented writer.

And I enjoy writing.

And then I got my first writing assignment back from my professor, 

[who I swear is a genius]

 and, well, the grade was definitely not what I expected it to be. 

Nor what I wanted it to be.

Because BYU, unlike the rest of the schools I attended throughout my education, remembers that there is a letter between D and F....

Why do schools skip E? It's strange. But whatever. That's beside the point.

Needless to say, I walked out of the Richards Building today COMPLETELY overwhelmed.  Almost to the point of tears. 

okay...you can take out the almost...

Then I remembered this statement found in my syllabus:

maybe even for the class I just received a failing grade in...

"If you have ever, even in private, made a connection between your worth as a human and your grades, please, for the love of all that's holy, get OVER that.  Academic performance is not going to make or break your life."

yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say professor.  You're not trying to get a degree right now...I have to get the grades if I want to get the degree...and you think my writing sucks. Confidence boosted. Not.

Then, I remembered that I had read a very this for class the night before.

(beware: some colorful language used here)

Hello outstanding teacher. Thank you for restoring faith in my writing. And in the writing process. 

Duh I suck at writing.

 I'm 20 years old.  

I have many first drafts waiting to be destroyed by myself.

And many "final drafts" to be destroyed by professors.

But to heck with it. 

I LOVE writing.

I ENJOY writing. 

I may not be as good at writing as my friends who just graduated with a degree in English.

 Or my professor who is a grad student.  

Or my professor who has a PhD in English literature. 

My writing doesn't define me.

My grades don't define me.

Being overwhelmed is OKAY.

Not being able to share my thoughts in class is OKAY.

I am OKAY. 

And I WILL survive two more years of college.

(Did I really just say I am half way done with college..that's scary...)

And even if I did fail that paper, I didn't fail life.

I haven't failed the class. 

yet...anyone willing to tutor me in English 251 would be treated with extreme kindness, and lots of sweets.  You know you want to...

Life continues. 

And life is GOOD. 

And I am happy.

And even though I may be smiling to hide how completely overwhelmed I am, 

at least I'm still smiling.  

Make today a great day.

And if you can't seem to, 

smile anyway.